This situation we face is challenging for everyone. But, parents at home have to deal with all sort of different types of struggles, especially if both parents have to work from home. My heart and hat goes out to this second type of home setting, and even more, if it is only one parent, who has to work from home with children. Having said that, if you are able to work from home and keep your job, you should already feel pretty lucky. I would like to provide some tips and suggestions that will hopefully ameliorate your tough situation at home.
Personally, it's easier for me to face reality straight on, plan accordingly and adapt. My life has been filled with moments that required quick adaptation and I've learned, to refrain from dueling too much and move forward. Something that has helped me, is to stop pretending that our lives are the same and that we have to tweak here or there, and wait until this is all over. The reality is that this might stay for a long time, and therefor we must readapt accordingly. I can't expect to live the same under significant different circumstances.
So what is different? We have adapted in several ways and these are ways I suggest you to try, they've certainly helped our family dynamic a lot.
1. Re-think the spaces in your home
The space in your house has acquired a different value. We live in a very small apartment, but even if our space were bigger I find it's essential to re-adapt. Being in our house all day makes us want to make use of all the space we own. One of the things I've done is analyze what spaces were not being utilized. For example, it's currently only three of us, so we only need three spaces to eat. No more guests or visits. I've pushed the dinning table to a wall and left only those three spaces. This frees up some room for our daughter to ride her scooter, walk her baby in her mini stroller, or run! Another thing we've taken to the side is our coffee table, we've left the living room area completely open for play and exercise.
We've also converted our tiny balcony into a functional outdoor space, we already had a sand pit, but we've set some beach chairs to lounge there in the afternoon. There are also some plants to tend to, and we will be adding more of a little "garden" space for us to work on.
2.Home office
If you already have a designated home-office space, lucky you! My hubs initially wanted to work on the dinning room table, and I made a point that that was going to be impossible to manage. With a two-year-old running around, how was he supposed to get anything done? I moved our bed a little to the side and managed to fit his extra screen and Bloomberg keyboard into my vanity desk. I cleared everything out and left that space for him. Positive aspect about this, our bedroom has a door that he can close. Basic necessity.
We set up a "system" of a signs at the door, because our door doesn't lock -yikes! He puts a red sign if he's in a call or needs very important focus time. This means our daughter is NOT allowed inside. When the sign is green, it means daddy is working, but she can go inside if she wants to ask him something quick or show him something. The green sign, is essential, because we don't want to create a "forbidden zone". That just creates more curiosity, and she'll definitely want to go inside. To give an example, at first, this was working great, because we were being super chill about it.
But then, as every toddler would do, testing limits came in. She found it amusing to open the door while in Red and watching me race to grab her and pull her away. More hilarious was her dad's face trying to keep his video conference running while 'shooing' her with his foot. I found how this was very appealing for her.
Now, instead of doing this, when it's super imperative for her not to go in, I put our dining table in front of the door. Ha, this has been a game changer. First, because it avoids the conundrum of purposefully keeping her away, and the table there is a "natural" barrier, once there, she barely notices it. When it's red (and without the table) I gently remind her that daddy is working, and we need to close the door.
Then, I immediately re-direct her to another activity. Trying to play it cool again, and making the sign work again without the table.
It's only natural kids will get curious about what their parents are working on, so I suggest this is a great time to also teach them about what you do all day! At times, Victoria enjoys sitting on her dad's lap and watching his screen, he tells her about the market and stocks, she obviously doesn't understand but she feels special being a part of it (when possible).
We have also set up some small "breaks" where dad comes out and plays with her for around 5 minutes. This helps her have daddy to herself for a few minutes during the day. We also have lunch together everyday now, which has been super nice and has helped her with eating what we are eating, no more cooking different things- yas! Having ALL of us at the table eating the same thing has helped her try new things: mushrooms, Farro, truffled aioli, sweet potatoes, string beans. I'm not saying she devouring these, but she's more open to trying them, and has realized that she actually likes some of these new things.
3. Schedule
For children that are used to going to daycare, preschool or school, this is an absolute must. They are accustomed to the specific rhythm in their day. Children, especially young children love structure and predictability because it gives them a sense of control. They know what to expect and that makes them feel safe and at ease. Now, there is no need to go overboard here. Do not to try to over-plan your days, especially if you are NOT going to be able to keep up with it. Make it general enough where there can be a little wiggle room if something comes up. Definitely make the weekends different- hello PJs all day.
If your partner and you work from home and you don't have an additional person to look after your child, scheduling is the life-saving component. Assign times of the day where one will be the designated person to be 'in-charge', figure out what works best, maybe alternate an hour each. More importantly, respect those times. Your "no-child" time is when you should schedule your important calls and meetings. Be understanding. I know sometimes it's not up to you, and an important meeting is called for at any time, but this is where you have to be creative and count on each other to make it work. Also, talk to your team, boss and co-workers, let them know what the best times to reach you will be. Some of them are probably in the same situation. Of course, there will "emergency" moments, more on how to deal with that in point # 6. Now, being "in-charge" doesn't mean you have to be playing with your child and stop working, you can also try (try is the important word here) to work while your child is doing other activities, independent play or their own virtual-schooling. If you have a baby, well, gee, good luck with that, I truly hope your baby is an excellent napper.
4. Independent Play
This has been the biggest learning opportunity these past weeks. We normally had a pretty scheduled week, she basically had an out-of-home activity each day of the week between: Storytime, Library, Art, Gymboree, Playdates, Soccer, etc. But, with all of that gone, I literally can't be her entertainer all day. Besides, it's OK for your child to be bored and entertain themselves, it's not only Ok, it's super recommended. This is something I've seen great progress on. She was used to playing "on her own", but that usually involved me sitting right next to her. Now, she is able to do her own thing while I'm doing something completely different. I'll write a different post pertaining this, but basically, you need to teach your kids to figure stuff out on their own. They have plenty of things to do, even if they had NO toys at all, they can certainly come up with things to do. Let that creativity spark!
The main recommendation is be prepared to let go of control during this time, have a specific place where they can make a mess, which is usually how little ones keep themselves entertained. Give them cool materials they can play around with: water is such a fun one, and can go a LONG way. But yes, be prepared to butt out and let them do their thing (of course keep an eye at a distance to make sure they are safe).
Start with a timer, 5 minutes, or less if you feel your little child can't cope. Oh, and don't chose a time where your child is sleepy, hungry or cranky. Try right after lunch or naps. First, stay a little closer and then start moving away. During this time, don't talk to them, don't comment on what they are doing, or anything, truly let them focus and engage. If you interrupt them you'll break their flow. Basically, just ignore them. Sounds easy, but it's actually not, I've had to learn to bite my tongue and look the other way. Your biggest ally: music, use it, leave it on. Can't say how many times I've heard the WHOLE Tarzan sound track.
My best advice, is: actively do something yourself. It's more likely that your child will come to "ask for your help" when you're sitting staring at your phone, than if you are unloading the dishwasher, working on your computer, writing or cooking. Then you can tell them (and they can see) that you are actually doing something and that they need to wait.
5. Planned activities.
These are necessary, but do not overwhelm yourself. Especially if both of you are working. If you have a toddler, seek for activities that are low-prep/high engagement. Remove toys from the shelves and take toys out little by little. I recommend setting up the night before and leaving things out for them to find in the morning. This surprise factor can motivate them to engage. Check out my Instagram @practicalplayideas for suggestions. Remember, these are SUGGESTIONS, your child might be fascinated by them, but they might also ignore them. Leave things out for a couple of days to see if they find interest in them later. Even my child will ignore my ideas sometimes, and that is completely find. Tips: model the activity a couple of times, and then just leave it out for them to do. They might not try it out immediately or even use it how you suggested. Just let them be, what you are offering is an invitation to play. A great tip is that during independent play, you can keep a mental note of what engages them the most, and chose activities according to that.
If you're child is school-aged, it is probable that there is some sort of online learning platform set up. It is important to make sure you child has everything they need to complete the activity, proper connection, a space for them to work and all their materials before they start. Maybe the first couple of times your child might require you to sit next to them, but, eventually we want them to be more independent. Plus, you're also going to need this down-time to work on your own job.
Aside from their school-work, I would suggest you have other things available for them to do: art, music, books, and other experiments. Also, this is the time for kids to be more involved in house chores, laundry, cooking, cleaning, sorting, etc. Or else, you know where your kids will end up right? (#6) Chores is a big one, even for toddlers, they live at home, they have to pitch in. Have you seen the video of the mom that rewards her kids' chores with toilet paper squares? Haha.
6. When everything else fails: screens.
Let me start by saying that my daughter owns her own tablet, an Amazon Fire Kids which is specifically designed for children. You pick the content you want available and has unlimited books!
Yes, she's only two. I waited as much as I could to stay her off screens, I would say that until she was a year and a half her screen time was close to zero. Then, it was limited to short car rides, when I couldn't focus on driving because I had a crying baby behind me. When she turned two, I relaxed a little more, but only because we can now talk about the things she watches and I carefully monitor what she sees. We watch things together for the first time and I offer explanation, or omit parts of a movie I think will be to complicated to explain or too scary.
I am not against technology AT ALL. I am against the improper use of technology with children, especially super young children. Having said that, technology is a godsend, particularly in times like these. The important thing to remember is: if you over do it, it will lose it's "power". Just like the red sign on the door. If I make a big deal about when we use the tablet or have it hidden somewhere, then it turns it into this magical thing!Oh lala, I want that! We leave the tablet casually off limits, usually a shelf that is a little higher for her to reach on her own. She usually doesn't ask for it much, she has certain times she knows she's allowed to use it, for example to when she poops (yeah long story, she just takes forever). But if mom AND dad really, really have to get things done. We offer the tablet, and she's always happy to take it. This I classify as an "emergency" time, when both mom and dad have important calls and you just need this little one to stay put.
Important things to be aware of: content, content, content! I will never judge a parent that uses technology in times of need. But please, please, be mindful of the content. That is why I suggest preparing, the tablet, iPad, or phone prior to handing it to them, and the reason we got her her own tablet. The appropriate resources are there, and I promise I'll make another post about great, safe content for kids. But remember, it's so easy for them to "wander off" into some inappropriate content. Even better, Facetime, or video chat with a loved one who has some spare time to entertain your little one :) I use this a lot. Since we live away from ALL our family members, they will still "baby-sit" virtually from time to time.
Those are the changes that I think have helped out us the most. We're still working on this and I'm consciously taking this moment to enjoy being together. I feel like you can take this a change to grow stronger as a family and couple, or else things can go sour - quickly. When I think I can't handle it anymore, I imagine the day when my child will finally be able to go to daycare and my husband will go back to work and think- I might miss them, (might...most probably: not. haha!). Until then, we're all in this together. Stay safe, and stay home please.
-Georgina
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